OK then. Where shall we start? Best we start with a list of what we know already.
Football is a game played on a specially measured pitch with two upright posts and a crossbar, one at each end called goals. Sometimes there is a net at the back of these. There are 11 players in a team. One of these is a goal keeper who always wears gloves. And longer shorts I think. Some of the other players are defenders and some are attackers. I am not sure what the others do.
There is a referee. Everyone always says the referee is a bastard. The referee has a whistle which he uses to start and stop play. Play gets stopped quite a lot. It gets stopped because people commit fouls. Fouls are when you break the rules and when you behave in an ungentlemanly way. It also gets stopped when a player get injured. Players seem to get injured quite a lot in the football on the television. They get better very quickly too.
There are linesmen who have flags and run up and down the sides of the pitch. They are there to help the referee decide if there are fouls or the ball goes off the pitch. Sometimes they are bastards too.
The ball used is round. The aim of the game is to get the ball between the two posts at the opposite end of the pitch more times than your opponents and to stop them doing the same. If you kick the ball in your own goal it is called an own goal. Scoring an own goal is shameful.
If the ball is kicked off the pitch the ball goes to the team that did not kick it off. If it goes off to the side they have to throw the ball onto the pitch. This is the only time you are allowed to touch the ball with your hands unless you are the goal keeper. Otherwise it is called handball and is a foul.
If the ball goes off the back of the pitch and it is kicked off by the attacking team, it is a goal kick. That means the goal keeper kicks the ball back into play. If the ball is kicked off by the defending team then it becomes what is called a corner. The attacking team put the ball on a spot at the corner of the pitch closest to where the ball went off. Then they kick it into play and try to score a goal from it.
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This is a very good start. Who are you, who are you, who are you ?
ReplyDeleteSafety Spice
Thank you for your kind comments Safety Spice. I will update my profile soon so you can see a bit more about who I am who I am who I am.
ReplyDeleteGeorgina
Hmm, you know more than me. But I think they wear shin pads so they don't get injured so much. They kiss a lot when they get a goal, but that's usually after they've run up and down a bit with their shirt pulled over their head. Surprising there aren't more injuries really. Occasionally the bastard flaps a yellow card at them and they seem downhearted. When he flashes a red card they gesticulate a lot and, if my lipreading is as good as I think it is, they swear a lot on these occasions. Then they leave the field so that their team then only has 10 men which puts them at a disadvantage.
ReplyDeleteFootballs used to be made of a sheep's stomach (or it could have been a cow's) which was then filled with something unspeakable (like porridge) and was kicked about until it exploded - end of game! The the balls were made of leather patchwork with an inflatable rubber ball inside (like a bicycle tyre) and laced up with a leather thong. Drawback - if you headed the ball and happened to hit the lace-up bit you wore the Mark of the Bladder on your forehead for quite some time afterwards. Easy way to spot a footballer!
Girls do play football and very nice it is to watch too. Arsenal women's team won the league I think so they can be quite good at it, even if they don't understand the rules.
I have run out of steam now; I'll go and lie down somewhere and try to recall if I know anything else about this pointless game.
Scribbler: Welcome. The Mark of the Bladder stage seems to have suffered a strange S&M influence.
ReplyDeleteI have my suspicions about the swearing too being a bit hard of hearing and so used to reading lips. And you didn't mention the spitting!
Georgina
No, believe me, swearing does take place. I may have lapsed into some surreal S & M in relation to the Mark of the Bladder,but only momentarily. I can only assume you are more au fait with the intricacies of this than I!
ReplyDeleteI was actually saving the spitting for later, but since you mention it... Why is it that the tv cameras always seem to catch the precise moment of the spitting projectile hitting the turf? Rather an unpleasant element of the game I think.
Thank you for your efforts to explain the off-side rule but it still remains a mystery to me. I will read your erudite words again and see if they make any more sense the second, or third, time around.
For a girlwhodoesn'tdofootball you are very impressive when it comes to the rules. Are you sure you don't play?
Scribbler
scribbler: I think you are being too modest. I have not studied the spitting in the detail you obviously have. Do they ever show those shots is slow motion? So you really get to see the SPLAT!!
ReplyDeleteEither way I would like to consult you at a later stage when it seems appropriate to revisit this important, and clearly very watchable, element of the game
Georgina