The Football Curriculum

I've had an interesting day today.

My lover and I went down to Brighton. He went to see his daughter and I indulged in some retail therapy.

I won't bore you with all the details except to say that hanging monkeys and banana hair slides featured.

Of course I did not abandon my commitment and responsibilities to football, whatever the distractions. I mean how could I on League Cup day for goodness sake?

There I was wandering the streets with my little radio in my ears keeping me updated. At the mercy of the radio commentators.

Oh dear! What a lot they are. I mean talk about arm chair managers. And they are so inconsistent. One minute they are slagging off Ramos for his decision to deepen his defences once Spurs had scored their second goal, the next (once Spurs had won of course), hailing him as a god.

And Avram Grant who until today seemed to be defying the critics and winning praise from various quarters, including the media, has suddenly become incompetent.

I appreciate it is a quick fire activity. I respect that they have to keep talking about something, even when nothing is happening. And I admire the way they are able to offer up-to-the-second commentary on fast moving action. I sometimes find I learn a lot from their explanations.

At other times, though, they do seem to struggle with various aspects of the football curriculum;

Maths for example;

'Peru score their third, and it's 3-1 to Scotland.' - DAVID COLEMAN
'Arsenal are quick to credit Bergkamp with laying on 75% of their nine goals.' - TONY GUBBA
'Ian Rush is deadly ten times out of ten, but that wasn't one of them.' - PETER JONES

History;

'Tottenham are trying tonight to become the first London team to win this cup. The last team to do so was the 1973 Spurs team.' - MIKE INGHAM

Biology;

'Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve.' - JOHN GREIG
'...he's using his favourite left foot..' - ITV commentator
'Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead.' - TOM PERRIE

Domestic Science;

'The Uruguayans are losing no time in making a meal around the referee.' - MIKE INGHAM
'And Rush, quick as a needle...' - RON JONES
'...a tale of too many cooks in the defence.' - IAN BROWN
'A smoked salmon sandwich of a football match if ever there has been one.' - PETER DRURY
'He runs a very tightly knit ship' - ROB HAWTHORNE

Literature;

'Emile Zola has scored again for Chelsea' - Radio 5 Live
'They say football is unscripted drama and this match certainly hasn't followed the script tonight.' - CONOR MCNAMARA

Languages;

'It's deja vu all over again.' - GARY BLOOM
'Cantona's expression speaking the whole French dictionary without saying a word.' - BARRY DAVIES

Geography;

'Stockport usually play at Edgeley Park, but this time they've come to Maine Road, because, um, this is an away game' - OSKU LAUKKANEN

They do, however, appear to excel at stating the bleeding obvious;

'If that had gone in, it would have been a goal' - DAVID COLEMAN
'Leeds are enjoying more possession now that they have the ball.' - SIMON BROTHERTON
'In this sort of match, whoever scores the most goals wins' - PORTUGUESE COMMENTATOR
'At the beginning it was a 90 minute game, at halftime it was a 45 minute game and now it's even shorter.' - ABC COMMENTATOR

Being a girl just learning about football, it's no wonder I get confused.