It's Not For Girls

Anyway, there I was sitting the pub last night when I said to my friend Droop "I'm learning about football you know". Once he had managed to suspend his disbelief for a while he said "Alright then, what's the offside rule?". (Revision tip: It is a common trick men use to test women's knowledge and flush out impostors. See here and here).

Ha ha I thought. I know this one (see post 9th March). So I proceeded to tell him, using salt, pepper and vinegar pots which is of course the way. Imagine my horror when instead of the cries of surprise and admiration I expected, Buttercup, who had been listening in, said "That's the old rule. The new rule is two players including the goalkeeper not two plus the goalie between the opposition player and the goal". "That's right" joins in Droop, looking very relieved that he can now unsuspend his disbelief because I have clearly been making the whole thing about learning football up.

"And they have changed the rule about being level now too" adds Buttercup. Oh god - now I'm out of my depth. "Oh have they" I said, trying my most charming smile "I didn't know that. I'm still learning you see". What I was thinking of course was "B******s".

So on the way home I spoke to my lover (on my handsfree of course). " What's the offside rule?" I said. He explained it.

"Just two players including the goalkeeper then not as well as".
"Yes"
"But two plus the goalie used to be the old rule"
"Yes"
"How come you didn't tell me when I described it before"
"I was confused by the sauce"

I mean, with advisers like this and the other 3 people I checked it with (yes Sandi, Hanif and Rupert you know who you are), who needs enemies?

Yorkie 1 Street Cred 0

Four Steps To Heaven

I like a challenge. Always have. Tell me I can't do something and it makes we want to do it. Except when I don't think I can do it, in which case I won't bother. Hard to know where this trait comes from. Nature or Nurture? Who am I proving something to? Myself? The World?

Anyway that's enough of deep and meaningful. Hardly a state one would expect the subject of football to evoke. So where does developing a love of football fit in the "challenges worth pursing" spectrum? Well I have to say there is some ambivalence here. Not because I doubt that I can do it although I do. More because I have such a high dislike of it (yeah well girls can't park properly - remember!). Yet I can't give up now so there is clearly some driving force. Guess I'll just have to run with it for now.

There is probably only one way to do this. It's going to involve me thinking about men for a bit. Not the worst of activities it has to be said. But specifically with regard to their relationships with football.

First thing I notice is that all the ones that are mad about football support a team. Even some of the ones that aren't mad about it. So I need to find a team to support. Next thing is that they all talk about the various big games that have been played, even if they are no relevance to their team. So I need to find out about games being played by the better teams. Another thing is they not only like to give a running commentry of the game they saw, interspersed with comments about how unlucky the team they favoured were and how the referee was a bastard. They also give a commentry on the commentry. They know all the commentators names. Never have a kind word to say about any of them. So I have to learn to have a view on every move and every decision. Finally you have to have an opinion - about everything. Everything to do with football. From whether the new England strip makes them all look like nancy boys and will never catch on to whether the 2422 formation is best. From whether that tackle was really dirty to whether girls can understand the offside rule. So I have to form an opinion - about everything.

Keeping up? Lets recap:

STEP 1: Get a team to support
STEP 2: Find out about important games being played and that have been played so that I can talk about them
STEP 3: Study moves and decisions and form a view
STEP 4: Get an opinion - about everything.

That shouldn't be too hard should it?

Next post will be about how to select a team.

The Offside Rule

Now listen carefully. This is really important. If you don't get this you might as well give up now. It not that hard but people get worried about it. Its the offside rule.

You will probably find this easiest if you are sitting at a table. You will need some props. A sugar bowl (empty), vinegar bottle, salt and pepper pots, a bottle of ketchup and a bottle of brown sauce (glass or plastic). Oh and a malteser.

Now put the sugar bowl at the far end of the table with the bowl bit facing towards you. Put the vinegar bottle directly in front of it. Now put the salt and pepper pots in front of these two, say one on the left and one on the right. Put the ketchup in front of them and the brown sauce just in front of you.

Now Ketchup and Brown Sauce are attacking. Salt and Pepper are defending. Vinegar is the goalie. Brown Sauce kicks The Malteser forwards and Ketchup runs forward, past Salt and/or Pepper and gets The Malteser. Shoots. GOAL!

Same scenario except this time, Ketchup starts running before Brown Sauce kicks The Malteser. He runs past Salt/and or Pepper just before Brown Sauce kicks The Malteser. He gets The Malteser. Shoots. NO GOAL! Reason? The offside rule.

The offside rule says there must be two of the defending team between the opposition and the goal before the ball is kicked. Once it is kicked it is fine to run forwards. It is to stop goal hanging.

So - no Salt AND Pepper, no goal!

See its easy!

That's the offside rule.

And this rule, the offside rule, leads to the offside trap. Its a trick Salt and Pepper play on Ketchup and Brown Sauce. One or both of them run forwards just beforeThe Malteser is kicked by Brown Sauce, past Ketchup, thus putting Ketchup offside.

And that's the offside trap.

Next post I'll tell you about how much I hate football.