Now listen carefully. This is really important. If you don't get this you might as well give up now. It not that hard but people get worried about it. Its the offside rule.
You will probably find this easiest if you are sitting at a table. You will need some props. A sugar bowl (empty), vinegar bottle, salt and pepper pots, a bottle of ketchup and a bottle of brown sauce (glass or plastic). Oh and a malteser.
Now put the sugar bowl at the far end of the table with the bowl bit facing towards you. Put the vinegar bottle directly in front of it. Now put the salt and pepper pots in front of these two, say one on the left and one on the right. Put the ketchup in front of them and the brown sauce just in front of you.
Now Ketchup and Brown Sauce are attacking. Salt and Pepper are defending. Vinegar is the goalie. Brown Sauce kicks The Malteser forwards and Ketchup runs forward, past Salt and/or Pepper and gets The Malteser. Shoots. GOAL!
Same scenario except this time, Ketchup starts running before Brown Sauce kicks The Malteser. He runs past Salt/and or Pepper just before Brown Sauce kicks The Malteser. He gets The Malteser. Shoots. NO GOAL! Reason? The offside rule.
The offside rule says there must be two of the defending team between the opposition and the goal before the ball is kicked. Once it is kicked it is fine to run forwards. It is to stop goal hanging.
So - no Salt AND Pepper, no goal!
See its easy!
That's the offside rule.
And this rule, the offside rule, leads to the offside trap. Its a trick Salt and Pepper play on Ketchup and Brown Sauce. One or both of them run forwards just beforeThe Malteser is kicked by Brown Sauce, past Ketchup, thus putting Ketchup offside.
And that's the offside trap.
Next post I'll tell you about how much I hate football.
4 comments:
Georgina
Yea yea yea. Nice imagery. Sometimes, ketchup, (when it's generic and what people, who don't know about food, buy from Morrisons)plays little tricks on salt and pepper....they are bad children.
I'd like to know more about that particular aspect of the game from a girl's perspective please
Safety Spice
Safety Spice: Thank you. I will take account of your request although of course I will have to prioritise those of my girl readers.
Georgina
My comments from yesterday don't seem to appear on your blog. Probably something I did (or didn't) do.
Anyway you doubted my word that swearing takes place when red cards are waved. It happens - promise! I was going to mention spitting but that all seemed a bit unsavoury but as you mentioned it - why does the TV camera always manage to film the exact moment when the projectile leaves the mouth of the player? Uncanny. I don't get the offside rule despite several attempts with what I had at my disposal at the time, namely a bottle of ink, an air freshener, a ceramic sheep, and a couple of bundles of rubber bands - oh, and two boiled sweets I found stuck together in the bottom of my desk drawer. But I'll keep trying: I feel I will be letting the side down if I can't get my head around this crucial rule.
I hate football too, mainly because the men are such wimps when they fall over. They'd never cope with childbirth!! (But then nor have I!)
scribbler: Glad to hear you have removed the two boiled sweets from your desk drawer. It could attract vermin
Georgina
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