To Bung Or Not To Bung - That Is The Quest

There's a bit of a row going on in the world of football. Just for a change.

Lord Stephens, former commissioner of the Metropolitan police, was tasked with undertaking an enquiry over a year ago into alleged breaches of transfer rules in the Premier League. Since then, it would seem, he and his team, 'Quest', (try not to snigger. It's not big or clever!) have been lifting stones, ferreting for rotten apples and generally poking about.

An interim report in October 2006 indicated that more lifting and ferreting and poking was required. So they carried on.

In March this year, Lord Stephens identified clubs that had broken or ignored rules in 50 out of 362 transfers from Jan 2004 to Jan 2006. Yesterday came the announcement that they have identified 17 transfers that they have been unable to clear as being free from illegal payments, or 'bungs' as they are known.

Oh and there has been an arrest. Someone from Manchester.

The report has not yet been published but needless to say there is all sorts of controversy and debate. One discussion I was listening to yesterday had agents being painted as the source of all things bad in the football world "If clubs just talked to clubs this sort of thing would not happen". Yeah right then.

Personally I have always found the best cure for a bung to be a spoonful of caster oil and a large dish of prunes. But then what do I know

I Say I Say I Say

Q. What's the difference between a Leeds fan and a coconut?
A. One's thick and hairy, and the other's a tropical fruit.

Q: What's the difference between a Pyromaniac and Leeds football club?
A: A Pyromaniac wouldn't throw away all his matches!

Q: Why do people take an instant dislike to Leeds Fans?
A: It saves time

Q: How can you tell when Leeds are losing?
A: It's five past three.

Q: What do you call a Leeds fan with many girlfriends?
A: A Shepherd

Q: You're trapped in a room with a Lion, Cobra snake and a Leeds United Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the Leeds Fan. Twice.

Q. What's the difference between the Leeds keeper and a taxi driver?
A. A taxi driver will only let in four at a time.

And finally

Quasimodo asks Esmeralda, "Am I really the ugliest b**tard in the world?"
"Why don't you go upstairs to the Magic Mirror and ask ?" says Esmeralda.
Quasimodo goes upstairs to the mirror and returns a few minutes later.
As he hobbles in Esmeralda asks "Well, what did the mirror say ?"
To which Quasimodo replies, "Who's Denis Wise?"

Accumulate To Speculate

Sorry everyone. Another nightmare week with my broadband. Problem with the actual line this time apparently.

But I am back. Hopefully for good this time!

Lots happening in the football world as usual. Looking at the LCFC website and the fans message boards the main topics are transfers and season tickets. There is a sort of 'new term' feel about. The official site has optimistic news articles about a surge in season ticket sales. The fans are speculating about transfers and fixtures.

And in the wider world of football there is speculation about changes of club ownership. Debate about the outcome of next weeks mediation to try to sort out the West Ham/ Sheffield United debacle. And of course more stuff about transfers.

Putting the issue of lack of Internet access to the side, I have to confess I am finding it quite difficult to feel involved. It is one thing to learn about things that have happened. It is very much another to follow the threads of who might go where. Not least because I don't know who most of the people involved are! Just shows how much I have a learn.

To that end a kind friend of mine has given me a book. It is called "How Soccer Explains The World" and has such interesting chapter headings as "How Soccer Explains the Survival of the Top Hats" and " How Soccer Explains the Pornography of Sects" (yes that is "sects"!). I have to finish Alan Bennett's "Untold Stories" first but then I intend to get stuck in.

I reckon if I can make sense of that book I ought to be able to understand everything.

Melchester Rovers Forever

So for anyone out there suggesting that David Beckham is getting too old for football (and I have heard that said), what about Roy of the Rovers?

Roy has been a footballer in the spotlight since 1954. I am not sure what age he was then, but lets assume he was 17, like Ricky Stapleton, the newly signed Foxes striker. That would make him 70 now.

To be fair he has not played football for a while. Since 1997 he has featured in a management role. Moreover, we have not had published news of him since 2001.

Since then though his memory has been kept alive by a group of fans, including a website dedicated to the various aspects of this icon of football.

According to Wikipedia, Roy has been superseded by more trendy alternatives such as Striker (now discontinued too). The article describes Roy as having "an old fashioned and wholesome tone" which espoused the values of "fair play and strong moral character".

Despite this fall from fashionable acclaim, however, I have a hunch that there are still a few boys out there who occasionally think wistfully about their boyhood hero. Personally I was always a Bash Street Kids and Minnie the Minx girl. But I guess it takes all sorts.

Impossible Is Nothing

So Steve McClaren lives to fight another day.

All the commentators were saying that if England had lost against Estonia tonight, Steve McClaren, Manager of the England football team, would have lost his job. As it was they won 3 - 0. Well done that team.

Listening to the match on the radio (see how keen I am getting!) it sounded as if David Beckham was man of the match, and this was backed up by various comments afterwards from presenters and people ringing in. What makes this of particular significance is that Steve McClaren had dropped Beckham from the England team for ages and had given the impression his career representing his country was over.

I must confess that David Beckham holds considerable fascination for me . I am not at all a celeb watcher - indeed I find the whole thing rather distasteful. But it is difficult not to be exposed to the various public sides of Mr Beckham, or Becks as he is often known, and be impressed by them.

Firstly, he is astonishingly good looking. Every time I see him I think "God, you really are gorgeous". Secondly he is a fantastic footballer. Whilst he has not been without controversy and criticism, he has managed to sustain a successful and varied career in top flight professional football for the last 15 years. Thirdly he has been married for the last 10 years to another celeb, Victoria, and whist we can never know what goes on behind closed doors, it seems the two of them have managed to create a happy family life with their three children, despite the 24/7 glare of publicity. Fourthly, when you see him interviewed he just seems a modest, decent, ordinary bloke. And game for a laugh too.

I guess if you asked me what I admire most about him, it is that he seems to have real strength and courage. To bounce back after the knocks, deal with shame and humiliation, overcome adversity and just keep going. Here it is in his own words.

David Beckham is a god.

I Close My Eyes And Count To Three

Graham Poll has retired.

Now it is remotely possible that you read that and said who. This is a blog for beginners after all.

Let me help you. Graham Poll is, or rather was, a football referee. For the last 26 years in fact.

Most of that time he has been well regarded. So much so that he was selected by FIFA to referee during the last world cup, and was hotly tipped to referee the final. But then disaster struck. During a match between Croatia and Australia he showed one player a yellow card 3 times (Revision tip: He should have been sent off instead of getting a third yellow card). He has been unable to explain such a basic and significant error. Imagine committing the worst gaff of your career in front of millions. Poor thing!

Of course, anyone can make a mistake. And it is not easy being a referee.

Of course, Graham Poll is not his real name. That has been changed for his own protection.

Oh and if you are wondering how he chose his pseudonym, watch this.

Ship Ahoy!

All is not well aboard the good ship, The White Pig.

Master Bates has bought the ship back after it went into administration but has agreed to pay only one pence in the pound owed to creditors. There was very nearly a mutiny however, and his offer was only accepted by the narrowest of margins.

Former chairman, Gerald Krasner, described the offer as 'derisory'. He said " Master Bates seems determined to Roger the Cabinboy".

Whilst Master Bates may have grabbed the life raft at the expense of others on this occasion, his career has not been without Seaman Stains. He was chairman of Chelsea between 1982 and 2004, and although he turned the fortunes of that ship around, he fell out with numerous captains and crew during his time there.

To cap it all he remains a supporter of that wicked pirate of the seas, Denis Wise, who far from needing to walk the plank, is in fact one himself.

Time will tell whether The White Pig will become a flagship or end up on the island of the Dodos.

It's Life Steve But Not As We Know It

You may remember me mentioning that my lover supports Reading FC. No? Well obviously it is not something I like to talk about much. A sort of shameful secret.

Anyway the manager of Reading, Steve Coppell, has been named Manager of the Year for the 06/07 season. That is for the second year running. Quite an accolade.

Not surprising though given what he has achieved. He took Reading into the Premiership the previous season and this last season they finished 8th, just missing out on going to Europe next year.

I guess the other thing that is interesting about him is that he just seems to get on with his job. No running around looking for lost dogs like a certain other Premiership manager.

Having said that however, with the season over, it seems Mr Coppell has a little more time on his hands to participate in some of his other interests.

Stranger Than Fiction

Here are a few weird and wacky things that I have learnt about football today.

1. It is against the rules for male footballers to go topless on the pitch (and presumably females). Cristiano Renaldo was actually booked once for just that thing, resulting in a campaign by some female German politicians to legalise the practise. Gets my vote

2. An Argentinian football fan is suing his tattooist after he tattooed a picture of a penis instead of his club's badge on his back. The tattooist supported a rival club.

3. Leroy Rosenoir is the shortest lived football manager in the history of the football league. He was manager of Torquay United for just 10 minutes before the club changed hands and the new owners promptly sacked him

4. A Kenyan man, Kenneth Yoga holds the world record for bouncing a football with one leg whilst seated at 4:30:33 hours. Whilst impressive you can't help asking yourself - why?

And finally - this is a bit of a weird goal.

Don't have nightmares!

Soxes In Boxes, Mad Dogs And Foxes

You must be wondering where I have been!

Well I have been moving house. Which accounts for a couple of days not posting I guess. But then BT messed up transferring my Broadband. So I have been 'sans Internet' until today. Talk about feeling as if you have had a limb cut off.

Still here I am. Back with a vengeance.

And there has been so much happening in the world of football since my last confession - er I mean post. Just over a week has seen big changes at Leicester City alone. These include:

• A new manager for The Foxes, Martin Allen
• A new shirt for The Foxes (see picture)
• A makeover for the official website
  

So lets spend a brief moment looking at each of these.

Martin Allen

Also known as "Mad Dog", it would seem he too is a blogger. He already has links with Leicester it would appear, running a successful French polishing business in the city. Time will tell of course but one has to hope that any polish he brings to LCFC will be more than just veneer (yes alright I know that is dead corny but I'm out of practise!)

New Shirt

Oh dear. Whoever told them that was a good look! I mean Topps Tiles. It doesn't exactly shout 'cool' does it. And just how many people will be wearing that shirt in the picture? It looks as if it has been through one of my "oh dear I accidentally put it on too hot a wash and now it has stretched beyond recognition" washes.

On the plus side, Topps Tiles claim to be "Britain's top tile and wood flooring specialists", so at least "Mad Dog" Allen will have something to rub to a mirror shine.

Oh and do check out Tiles FM on the Topps Website (you can find the link just above the wooden flooring icon). Mmm - funky!

Website Makeover

And finally the official LCFC website has had a makeover. Bit confusing until you get used to it but I have to say a definite improvement. Who knows one day they may even decide to link to this website. Now wouldn't that just add a bit of class!