A Punch And A Kick Does The Trick

This is post number 800!

What am I doing to celebrate?

Well I'm stuck in a London hotel at a 2 day planning event, wishing I was tucked up next to my lover instead.

Even if he has been surreptitiously posting on my blog.

He proved to be right about Sven, although I am much more sceptical about his Beckham story.

So as I surface this evening after a day ensconced discussing important things with important people, I can at last concentrate on the things that really matter, such as what is going on in the football world.

Which at the moment seems to revolve around throwing punches from what I could see.

Like this.

And this.

Excepting of course a certain £80million player, when kicking seems to be much more the order of the day.

I do hope he didn't get his nice white kit all dirty.

They Don't Know If They Are Coming Or Going

So Joe Kinnear is definitely not going back to Newcastle.

Oh no - hang on - he definitely is going back.

And Blackburn may bid for Alan Smith.

But there would be no point would there.

Seems to me right now Newcastle don't know their **** from their *****.

There Are Some Things You Can't Get With A Credit Card

The value of Cristiano Ronaldo?

80 million pounds.

The value of Newcastle United?

80 million pounds.

The value of one of Georgina's posts?

PRICELESS.

The Malevolence Of The Mighty Mackam

Once upon a time there was a wicked footballing wizard, The Mighty Mackam.

Wherever he went, The Mighty Mackam spread malevolence and evil.

But he reserved his most evil curses and spells for his most hated club - Newcastle United.

In one season alone, he sent them 2 fake Messiahs and a manager whose vocabulary was developed in a public toilet.

Other gifts included Joey Barton (no further explanation needed) and Dennis Wise (ditto).

To cap it all off at the end of the season he got them relegated.

Now you would think that even the most evil of evil wizards would be satisfied with that wouldn't you?

But no - the mighty Mackam had one more wicked spell to dispense before he was satisfied.

For today he gave them this.

You would have to have a hard heart not to feel just a little bit sorry for them.

Headlining At Newcastle

I think I now know why Newcastle fans are called the "Toon Army".

It's because it's all one big music festival over there.

For instance, as Alan Shearer waits to find out if he is going to get a contract as manager, he is outside Mike Ashley's place serenading him.

And Derek Llambias is mourning his loss like this.

Meanwhile JB is dancing to this.

Glastonbury eat your heart out.

Cheerio Cheerio Cheerio

So if you were a ManUre fan today what would you be saying?

Would you be bemoaning the loss of such a talented player?

Or would you be glad to see the back of his petulance and whingeing?

And if I was a ManUre fan what would I be saying?

Almost certainly this.

I can't help wondering if Real Madrid will come to regret their decision though.

For another £20 million they could have bought a whole club!

Wee Wee Wee All The Way Home

This little magpie went to market.

This little magpie should have stayed at home.

This little magpie drank a pint of Newcastle Brown.

This little magpie had 6 months.

And all the little Toons went "Wee Wee Wee" all the way home.

Mary Poppins And The Blond Lesbians In Handcuffs

An interesting exchange of comments on yesterday's post.

Which prompted me to ask my lover "Who's Shepherd"?

He kindly pointed me in the direction of the Internet.

"Look for Freddy Shepherd" he said. "I think you may have a few things to say about him".

My interest was further fuelled when I heard Alan Brazil on the Talk Sport Breakfast Show saying he has it on very good authority that Freddy Shepherd is interested in buying Newcastle United off Mike Ashely and riding in on a white charger to become a Magpie legend.

So I looked him up.

And my lover was right. I do have a few things to say about him.

Amongst his many delightful quotes is:

"I like blondes, big bust, good legs. I want a lesbian show with handcuffs. Newcastle girls are all dogs."

And this from a man they called the Fat Controller.

His only redeeming act, as far as I can tell, is referring to Alan Shearer as Mary Poppins.

The soap opera lover in me half wishes he would come back. It would be another perfect twist in the tale of "The Slow and Painful Murder of Newcastle United".

But with such delightful correspondents as Mosher, how could I ever wish such misery on them?

Only Leeds United could ever warrant such cruelty.

Laugh? I Nearly Enjoyed Myself!

I've heard of some great April Fools pranks in my time.

But this has to be the best.

Per-lease!

Watching a grown man beg and plead is never a pretty sight (actually I'm not sure I entirely believe that but we'll let that go by for the purposes of this post).

How much worse then for a top flight club to be on its knees to its fans?

Of course there are some who will never beg.

But who are quite good at making themselves noticed nevertheless.

Who?

Well who else?

"If you want me to rule out ever being Manchester United manager, I can't. Special clubs need special managers, so in theory it could work."

"Yes, Manchester United are the best team in England, but you have to ask how good has the Premier League been since I left? If I was at a top club in England I think the title race might have been a lot closer this year."

God I love that man!

Rock And Roll

I didn't get to Cheltenham to see Leicester play in the end.

Which is a shame as we beat them 4 0. Yes I said 4 0.

Which makes us top of the league. For the first time in my fanship.

Rock and roll!

And talking of rock and roll, how great to see the Arse stuff Newcastle (sorry Mosher!).

It might have been a bit more interesting if Newcastle had turned up.

I'm telling you there is trouble there. Did you see the way Nicky Butt completely blanked Keegan at the end of the match?

I have some sympathy. Try as I might I can't warm to a man who comes from the Keith Chegwin school of charm.

Rock and roll he ain't!

In The Mix

I know this is a football blog but did you watch the tennis final yesterday?

What a fantastic display of skill, strength, athleticism and character by both the Spaniard and the Swiss.

And what a summer it has been for Spain. First European football champions and now Nadal winning at Wimbledon.

I'm more interested today in news from another European county, however. For it would seem the latest addition to our skulk of Foxes is one Aleksander Tunchev from Bulgaria.

(In case you are wondering, a skulk is the collective term for a group of Foxes. Don't ever say this blog is not an education in its own right!)

Meanwhile in other news, Chel$ea are set to have a little taste of Italy today and Real Madrid are still stalking the Portuguese wonderboy. Newcastle on the other hand are trying to fight off claims that international interest in them comes from a somewhat less appealing source elsewhere in the world.

Still a bit of controversy might shake things up.

Most things are better shaken than stirred I find

Hanky Spanky

What should you do with troublesome renegades?

It's a problem that has exercised many over the years. Even those close to God.

Newcastle now face the problem in relation to Joey Barton of course. Bad boy of pitch and street.

It's a tricky one . I've heard people say he should simply be sacked. Others would argue that he has been punished by the courts and should not face additional sanctions.

As a Premiership footballer he is a very public role model. If he was able to turn himself around that could be a very powerful inspiration to others.

What would I do?

I'd draw up a behaviour contract with him. I would make it clear that if he breached that then there would be sanctions which could include dismissal. Alongside that I would offer support to make changes to his attitudes and behaviours.

I think it is critical to pass the responsibility for his behaviour to him, whilst also offering help.

Alternatively of course the Magpie's could consider some physical punishment which I guarantee he would never forget.

Hold Your Nerve

It's a big night tonight for some. Namely Newcastle and Birmingham.

Newcastle, apparently, do not have Thierry Henri playing for them, but do have Michael Owen, who apparently needs his team mates to do their bit in order to score. Presumably then Henri could win games on his own.

I'd be down at my local watching it for sure if I didn't already have tickets to see this lot.

At the moment I feel as if I am surrounded by people who support teams under the looming threat of relegation. Me and all my fellow Foxes fans. My lover and Reading. Mosher (you feel like an old friend already) and Newcastle. I guess those of you who have been around for a while would say that is what being a football fan is all about - living with the downs as well as the ups.

I do wonder what will happen if Newcastle lose. Although I am not a big KK fan and feel Big Sam was badly treated, I also recognise that when the rot has set in it takes a while to turn things around (as at Leicester City). You wonder if the Board will feel they have no choice but to take action if tonight does not yield the desired result.

As for the Foxes, I hope Steve Howard's view that we are finally on the up is borne out in our performances over the next few weeks. The alternative leaves me with a sort of sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I must hold my nerve though. Imagine if I lost it and it drove me to this.

I Ain't No Prawn Sandwich Fan

You'll all be relieved to know I am back.

It's like I always said. Give a Reading fan a blade of grass and they take a football pitch.

Thanks to those of you who have been leaving comments. I was beginning to think I was at an Arsenal match it was so quiet.

Anyway, one of these comments by a new reader, Colin Randall, himself a football blogger, challenged my fervent Foxes fanship (try saying that when you've had a few) on the basis that I show too much interest in and favour towards other teams.

It made me think about a conversation I had with my lover recently about the prawn sandwich brigade, some of whom (allegedly) change allegiance on a regular basis (only amongst the top four clubs of course).

The sort of think a member of the "prawn sandwich brigade" might say is:

"I think I'll support Chelsea next year. It will be nice to watch a team playing in a different colour for a change."

or

"I chose Manchester United because the parking at the ground is easier than at Liverpool"

As you know I am fairly new to football and have only been a Leicester City fan for about a year. You might wonder therefore how deep the roots of my loyalty really go. I have to confess to asking myself the same question with the threat of relegation looming so large.

I jokingly suggested that if they are relegated I would choose a different team. As I did so I had this really weird feeling. Like guilt. As if I had committed adultery or was at least contemplating it. I quickly realised that I could no more support another team than change sex. Even after such a short time and all the trials and tribulations, I'm a Foxes girl through and through.

But my journey has been about learning to love football and that has included learning to appreciate good football. So inevitably I have watched other teams play and bizarrely (although I don't believe for a minute I am unique in this) have found myself forming opinions and a level of allegiance on the scantiest of evidence.

None of these views would stand up to much scrutiny or analysis but here is my take on the Premiership teams:

Arsenal: I have a love for them because sometimes they play really really beautiful football. I don't like the persona Wenger presents in public but I do think he is a great and passionate manager. And of course my son loves them so I have an understandable affinity
Man U: How could you not love the football they play? I am much less keen on Fergie though even though I know he is a god in many ways.
Liverpool: I feel less pull to them although I love Crouchy
Chelsea: I can't love them Mourinholess
Newcastle: I'm sorry Mosher. I can't love a team who think KK is groovy and look like a packet if mint humbugs
Reading: I have to like them because my lover does. I do sort of - they have an underdog appeal don't they
Everton and Blackburn: Like 'em a bit. No idea why
Sunderland and Tottenham: Well there's Roy Keane and Ramos - yum!
Man City: I have to confess to finding Sven just a little bit sexy..........
Birmingham, Aston Villa and West Ham: No feelings either way
Portsmouth: Not sure really. Harry is a bit too much of a wide boy for my liking
Middlesbourgh and Wigan: Seem a bit dull
Fulham and Derby: I'm sorry. You can't love the unloveable.
Bolton: May they die a horrible death

Yet despite these strange affinities, I couldn't support any of them. Not like Leicester.

No - there is no doubt about it. Given the choice between a pie and a prawn sandwich I'll take the pie every time.

Battleship Ahoy!

Well there are a few football boats rocking out there at the moment.

There's the Good Ship Liverpool, where the 3 men in a boat seem to be upsetting the balance one way or another, with even more waves around them today as the rumours of a possible sell out get louder.

On HMS Chelsea, the skipper is shouting for the seas to calm, furious about the storm that has brewed since their defeat by Tottenham in the League Cup at the weekend.

Aboard the Pirate Ship Newcastle, the crew are starting to worry that they might sink.

Meantime, I'm hoping the Foxes have prepared their battleship properly for tomorrow's encounter with Cardiff.

We need to blow them right out of the water!!!

One Look Tells You All You Need To Know

Sometimes things speak for themselves don't you think? One look tells you all you need to know.

Such as why Coventry have almost certainly replaced Ian Dowie with Chris Coleman.


Or that playing "keepie uppie" to celebrate being 4 -0 up will result in a kicking from someone

Or that if you are Manchester United it is inevitable you will draw yet another Premiership club in the FA cup this year.

And there's Newcastle who are sponsored by Northern Rock, soon to become British Rock. Which means Newcastle will be sporting the logo of a defunct organisation for the rest for the season.

Like I say - all you need to know

Keep Singing The Blues

It's been a bit glum around here tonight as you can imagine. Both The Royals (the team my lover supports) and The Foxes lost their matches today.

We were trying to think of things to do to cheer each other up. Tricks. Stunts. Playing guitars. Eating cake. Singing.

Then we had an idea.

Do you remember how your mum always used to say "There's always someone worse off than you"?

So we counted our blessings and thought how glad we are tonight that we are not:

• A Magpie


• A Hatter


• A Ram


• Gary Megson

You see. Your mum was right.

Pie In The Sky

So "Special K" is not going to have Alan Shearer as his assistant.

But he has said that Shearer could play a "worthwhile role"

Which has got this girl to thinking.

I wonder what that role will be.

There is no doubt that having Shearer on board would have distinct advantages. Every city needs a legend and for Newcastle, Shearer is one of them.

But how to include him..........

Well I have some ideas.

What about club minstrel? After all he's got music in his soul.

Or choir leader. He does seem to have the gift inspiring others musically.

Of course, that sort of thing might not be enough for those in whom he inspires passion and emotion. Whether positive or negative.

And if all else fails, he could always make the pies

Where Did It All Go Wrong?

... and another one's gone and another one's gone. Another one bites the dust.

Poor Sam.

Where did it all go wrong?

Well after 8 years of success at Bolton, who he not only took into the Premiership, but to just below the big 4 in the tables, I guess you can see why he was looking for a new challenge. Newcastle is bigger and seems a 'hungrier' club. I have heard numerous commentators in recent weeks talk about the 'unrealistic expectations' of Newcastle fans who are ambitious and think they are bigger than they are.

How different it might all have been if his bid to succeed Sven as England manager had succeeded. (I wonder if he would have done any better than Steve McLaren). Or if Newcastle had not had a change of chairman within just a few weeks, Freddy Shepherd being replaced by Mike Ashley. And what if some of his purchases had proved better quality, rather than the likes of Joey Barton, who whatever his skills, has suffered injuries and more recently spent the New Year in prison.

Life is full of "what if's" of course but you can't help feeling some sympathy for the man. Because when it actually boils down to it, the team is currently 11th in the Premiership (higher than they were this time last year) and he has only held the tenure for 8 months. Hardly sufficient time to turn things around.

The most distasteful aspect of all this for me, however, is the suggestion that Alan Shearer should be his successor. Untried as a manager at any level (he is not even a qualified coach), my impression of him (admittedly based upon only a few appearances as a Match Of The Day pundit) is that he is uninspiring as a person, whatever his achievements as a player.

All I can say is if it really was fan pressure that led to today's events, getting Shearer as a manager is probably what they deserve.