If David Seaman’s Dad Had Worn A Condom We’d Still Be In The World Cup

After Joe Kinnear's "faux pas" earlier this week, referring to Charles N’Zogbia as "Insomnia", the Telegraph has published a list of top 20 football insults.

I heard another good one this week.

What do you call Liverpool without Steven Gerrard?

Stoke.

Wanna hear some more?

"Football is all right as a game for rough girls but is hardly suitable for delicate boys." Oscar Wilde

"When an Italian tells me its pasta on the plate I check under the sauce to make sure." Sir Alex Ferguson.

I have to say I think the best way to deal with insults is to ignore them.

Unless someone calls you Leeds United supporter of course in which case any response is justified.

Is Mike Parry Basil Brush?

Apologies in advance to any readers who have never listened to Talk Sport.

But I want to tell you about a man I've developed something of a soft spot for.

Mike Parry.

He's an enthusiastic, engaging sort of fellow (despite being an Everton fan).

And I have come to believe he is, in fact, Basil Brush.

My evidence?

Well for a start they both have furry ginger faces.

Their laughs are not dissimilar.

And Mr Parry has a very irritating habit of saying "yes" after every phrase his co-presenter says.

Admittedly he does not have buck teeth.

But looking at them I'm not convinced they are his anyway.

And then of course there are those short arms.

Yep - there's no doubt in my mind.

Mike Parry is definitely Basil Brush.

Although I'm not sure who has their hand up his bottom these days.

Nobody Loves Him

Nobody loves him
Everybody hates him
Thinks he lives on worms
Short fat hairy ones
Long thin slimy ones
See how they wiggle and squirm
Bites their heads off
Slurps all the juice up
Spits their skins away
Nobody knows how much he likes
His worms three times a day.

All together now.

Worried Men

There are a few worried men in the football world at the moment.

Obviously Steven Gerrard has his on-going court case on a charge of assault.

And now Robhinho has been arrested and bailed following an allegation of a serious sexual assault.

Meanwhile, Martin Allen has the look of a worried man. Not without cause.

And despite Wenger's bravado, I'm not convinced he isn't just a little bit twitchy.

But remember boys - it is just football after all.

Don't worry - be happy!

Glory Glory

Glory glory Man Utd!

Don't worry. Only joking.

They are on fire though aren't they. 5 goals by 4 different people.

West Brom just provided the platform for them to shine.

Meanwhile, we have another point tucked neatly in the bag. 10 points ahead now thanks to MKD's losing.

And as if that isn't all joy enough, my dad is coming out of hospital later this week.

Now there's a man still yet to have his Man Utd moment.

But he will.

It Could Have Been Worse

Did you know Leicester City Football club will be 125 next season?

To commemorate, the club allowed fans to choose the shirt, which will be without a sponsorship logo.

There were 4 to choose from but 65% of the fans voted for a blank one.

It's a bit of a blow to my ambitions of course but hey - onwards and upwards. It could have been worse.

No doubt the club will be hoping to sell quite a few to help offset their 14.2 million pound loss last year.

Presumably it will be even worse this year.

There is no doubt about it though. Despite the difficult times we have had over the last couple of years, I have no regrets about choosing the Foxes to support.

On the contrary I thank my lucky stars.

Imagine how much worse it could have been.

What if I had chosen Leeds United or Swindon Town?

I break out in a cold sweat just thinking about it.

Fox 'O Nine Tales

Today my favourite number is 9.

The number has all sorts of significance.

9 was the number that Cristiano Ronaldo picked (allegedly) when he thought he was off to Real Madrid (or are we all supposed to now pretend that didn't happen?).

It's the number Torres wears on his now.

Gerrard, Lampard and Agbonlahor have all scored nine goals this season.

And nine is the number of points Leicester City are ahead in League One.

Conspiracy Theories

Make up your mind 'Arry.

Are you going to field your weakest team today?

Or your strongest team?

Maybe he has so many injuries in the squad they are the same thing anyway.

Or maybe it is a smoke and mirrors move to disguise some cunning plan.

And talking of conspiracy theories - what about Ulrika winning Celebrity Big Brother?

Nominated consistently by her housemates. Long odds of 12/1 to win (compared to Verne who was 5/1). And very very irritating.

So who on earth was voting for her?

What is the demographic that explains that?

Want to know my theory?

OK.

Terry Christian (my favourite to win) whom she was up against in the final vote just happens to be a mad bonkers ManUre fan. Famous for it.

So everyone who dislikes the ManUre goes into the Ulrika camp.

Reinforced by Ulrika's Sven connection with their arch rivals Manchester City.

And Ulrika's connection with football generally.

In other words, it was football that made the difference.

She's been planning it for years.

And no-one saw it coming.

You heard it here first.

An Omen

Do you believe in omens?

Do you believe there is some force that sends us messages through signs to help guide us?

Because I think that is what happened to me today.

I received the details of a conference I am going on next month. I was pretty thrilled when I heard it was being held in Leicester, and had been wondering to myself how I might engineer a visit to worship at walls of the Walkers Stadium.

So imagine my delight when I learned today that our hotel is right next door to it.

Furthermore, we are having dinner in Fusions.

When I told our friend Luton Andy he said it is a sign that I am moving in the right direction.

What can that mean? Is something amazing going to happen do you think? Is it a cunning plot to get me there so Milan Mandaric can offer me a highly paid job as official LCFC blogger and getter of girl fans?

I guess I'll just have to patient.

And be certain to wear my Foxes shirt to the restaurant. Just in case they are not sure who I am.

Two Sides To Every Story

Once upon a time there was a parrot called Polly.

A green parrot called Polly.

One day Polly got into terrible trouble.

You see Polly liked to imitate the sounds she heard.

She could mimic a Philips Ladyshave. She knew 27 swear words. And she could repeat "All our operators are busy at the moment. Please call back later" 56 times before she got fed up.

On this particular day, her lady owner took her out of the house in her cage.

She took her in the car to a football pitch.

There were people shouting and singing. Polly thought she was in heaven.

"The referees a w****r" she squawked. "Who are yah? Who are yah?"

Then the footballers came out on the pitch.

And to Polly's delight she heard the sweetest of sounds.

"PHEWWWWWW"

"PHEWWWWWW", trilled Polly.

Each time she heard the lovely sound, she answered it, like a dove cooing to its lover.

But Polly's joy soon turned to horror.

She was being sent off. Banned from the touchline. An outlaw and a renegade.

How could she ever live down the shame?

So Polly did the only thing an honourable parrot can do in such circumstances.

She swallowed her suicide trill.

And the moral of this tale girls?

There are always two sides to every story.

Cursed?

I think I can can confidently say that most if not all football fans who follow the game more widely know that when chairman and assistant managers start coming out in support of a manager means they are in trouble.

So if we have worked that out - how come the clubs haven't?

What they need is a cuter strategy.

After all, that is precisely how managers such as Alex Ferguson operate.

In any walk of life, people who have sustained success exude confidence and self-belief.

It's not arrogance. And it has to be real.

You have to convince your audience to trust you and to achieve that you have to trust yourself.

Gareth Southgate - step up and meet your public head on. And show them what you are made of.

Money Can't Buy Everything

It just goes to show, money can't buy you everything.

And that not everyone can be bought.

According to the player himself, it was the love of those around him that helped him make his decision.

Wise move I would say.

After all, money can't buy you love.

Many A Word Spoken In Jest

I am grateful to Paulsc for bringing to my notice something very important in his comment on my last post.

Imagine if I had missed this story!

And of course Paulsc is absolutely right.

What better than a scantily clad woman with a fox's tail?

With Leicester City tattooed on her bottom.

Following The Egg Chasers

Something terrible has happened!

My daughter has been to watch an egg chasers match!

I mean to my knowledge its the first top level match of any sort she has been to. And it wasn't a football match.

Her explanation is that it was a birthday treat for her boyfriend.

It might not be too late though. She says she couldn't see very well because she was surrounded by tall people.

I think a bit of mother daughter bonding at the Walkers Stadium is called for.

Close As The Hairs On A Gnat's Bollock

When I saw the Chel$ea and ManUre results I thought to myself "Blimey - they only won by the skin of their teeth."

Then I got to wondering "What exactly does that mean 'By the skin of their teeth'?"

Well according to one website I went to to ascertain its origins, it may be:

"a notional minute measure - something that might now be referred to, with less poetic imagery then the biblical version, as 'as small as the hairs on a gnat's bollock'.

I'm not sure I entirely agree with the analysis.

The suggested modern version has a certain - erm - poetry. And it does conjure up some unusual images.

Not least of which is that someone has taken the trouble to look that closely.

I wonder if Berbatov, Belletti and Lampard realise how much they have in common with the little creatures.

Birthday Wishes

It's my birthday today.

Happy Birthday Georgina!

I share my birthday with Martin Jol amongst other footballers.

I've had to work unfortunately (Boo!)

But my dad has now been transferred back to my local hospital which is going to save me a round trip of 70 miles every evening (Hooray!)

And we're having fish and chips from the paper for tea (Hooray!)

And my daughter's coming over to see us (Hooray!)

And I've had some lovely presents - a necklace, some clothes, a bag, some money and some wine to name but a few (Hooray!)

What more could a birthday girl want?

Well a hatrick from Matty Fryatt against Yeovil on Monday would do very nicely thank you.

Baffled

Am I the only one who is baffled by Fergie's apparent abandonment of Carlos Tevez?

He's been one of my favourite ManUre players since he joined them. I've never seen him anything other than fully committed, hardworking and focused. He is a great team player, unselfish but willing to take opportunities when they come. He served them well last season and I have never seen him behave in a way that suggests he has an ego.

I know it is not just about individuals and you have to be a balanced team but surely there is a place for him.

I will be really sad to see him leave and consider the Premiership will be the poorer without him.

In fact if this move comes off , with 2 of the sexiest men in football at the San Siro, this girl might be taking a bit more interest in Italian football affairs.

Ulrikaka

Have you been watching Celebrity Big Brother?

I know - it's sad and I should get a life.

But you know how it is. 9pm comes and I find myself drawn into the latest shenanigans.

I have a view about all of the one way or the other but the most irritating person in there has to be Ulrika.

Or Ulrikaka as she is known on shooting stars.

Which of course brings us neatly to one of the big stories of the day.

One hundred million pounds!!??

What planet have we landed on please.

Anyway back to Ulrika.

You know what they say;

She's football crazy She's football mad There's no one in the football world Ulrika hasn't had.

Apart from me of course.

Counting My Chickens Before They Hatch

Conversation with my friend Sandy today;

Sandy: Hey Georgie. Good win on Saturday
Georgina: Of course. We're the best
Sandy: You're too good for that league
Georgina: We are. We weren't last season though. I love Nigel Pearson.

Of course there is a bit of me that knows it never pays to count your chickens before they hatch.

But I can't go around being miserable just in case can I?

And Matty Fryatt is back from his injury and firing on all cylinders.

I just hope no-one else has noticed.

We're going to be League One Champions right?

Oh and hopefully stuff Neil Warnock's lot in the replay tomorrow night.

Smoking Gun

Sir Alex is a powerful man.

But can he really influence the hand of god?

Ouch!

Actions speak louder than words.

So what better way to respond to Benitez's criticism?

Ol' Fergie doesn't seem to badly injured by it all does he?

Unlike poor old Chelsea.

I can see Scolari licking his wounds as we speak.

On Top Of The World

Hey Leyton Orient. Have some of this.

I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be supporting a team who are regularly doing well. We've only lost 2 games in the league this season.

What a different experience to last season.

Of course, as I said to my Mum on our way to visit my Dad today, who is now recovering in leaps and bounds, nothing stays the same. For every up there will be a down. Tomorrow will bring its new challenges.

But today I'm enjoying being on top of the League thanks to my team, and on top of the world thanks to my Dad.

The Untouchable

Seeker of truth and justice?

Or hysterical foreigner?

Wanna know what Georgie thinks?

I think this is a very significant moment. I would go so far as to say a turning point.

And this is why.

Benitez is spot on. Ferguson is a master of his game and he uses every trick in the book.

Of course he manipulates the scheduling process. For sure he encourages players to distract the referee by talking to him.

Why is he so untouchable? Because he is powerful. Powerful through his success brought about by being on top of the game.

But now Benitez has exposed him. We will all be watching him. Looking for the least sign he is up to something.

So his armoury of tricks has been reduced.

He'll have to raise his game.

And I'm not sure he can. Simply because he has already reached his potential.

I predict the ManUre manager's post might be vacant a little sooner than some expect.

I Smell Trouble

I smell the smell of singed hair at Old Trafford.

That hairdryer must be on full blast again.

And isn't it great when reformed characters get together?

No narrow escapes for any of them.

Unlike Cristiano Ronaldo.

Hat Trick

I like hats.

I am invariably sporting one.

At the moment my favourite is a peaked one which gives me a sort of 60s look but I like berets too and recently treated myself to a leather bush hat.

Seems I'm not the only one either. Jermaine Defoe is clearly partial to the odd hat-trick himself.

And talking of pulling one out of the hat, I'm pleased to report a significant improvement in my dad who talked to me for the first time since his operation today. I can't believe the difference in just 28 hours. He is still in intensive care but they have had him on his feet today!

I can't tell you how pleased I am. I could even forgive him for loving the egg-chasers.

Well - almost.

Football Is Life

It's been another difficult day.

As you know my dad has had an operation and is now recovering. But recovery is slow and he remains in intensive care.

With the pain though come reminders of the forces of good in the world.

The love within a family. The kindness and care of others.

And alongside those things, football.

Where does football fit?

Well as I googled to try to identify a good news story, I am hit with Beckham's Milan debut, stories about Tevez's dissatisfaction and the appointment of Nigel Cluff to Derby. So I turn to Talk Sport . They are discussing deep and important things such as what a mess Tottenham have got into over the last year and the programme about Gazza on the TV last night.

How can I take an interest in such things with the weight of life and death on my shoulders?

Maybe it's because real life is in the small, the ordinary and the everyday. A reminder that we should live every moment to the full and treasure our existence.

And what football shows me is that the game's not over until the final whistle, that a battle can have beauty within it and that strength comes in working together and mutual support.

Football is life.

Cat Amongst The Pigeons

I know for some people the transfer window is really interesting and exciting but I have to confess it's not really where it's at for me.

Yes I know it is a vital part of how the rest of the season will shape up. Yes I know it is all part of the madness we call football.

But if I am absolutely truthful, I am much more interested in just watching the football.

And it always feels weird to me when I see players change team and play in different colours.

Like Crouchy.

Or of course Defoe although he may of course be changing them back again soon............

Wouldn't it be a bit more interesting if transfers were a mixture of choice and luck. You could have a system whereby in addition to the current process, all Premiership players had their name put in a hat, then the manager from each team would draw out one name who they got for nothing.

So, Torres to Bolton?

Owen to Sunderland?

Probably a bit impractical but it would put the cat amongst the pigeons.

It's Just Football

When I watch television I have a propensity to become very emotionally engrossed in whatever I am watching.

On such occasions I get a nudge from my lover who says "Hey - it's just television".

It's a fair point but I don't think there is anything really wrong with becoming passionate and engaged with things.

Like football.

But you do have to keep things in perspective.

So ringing a player at home and issuing threats because it looks likely they are going to leave your team for another is simply not on.

In my humble opinion.

Loving The Underdogs

I can't tell you how disappointed I am that our local team, Forest Green Rovers, were beaten by a late Derby penalty in the 3rd round of the FA Cup this afternoon.

They had already made history by getting the furthest ever in the tournament during their 118 year existence. When they went 2 0 up after just over 20 minutes it looked as if the impossible might happen. Derby managed to pull two back before half time though and despite another goal by Forest, equalised again shortly afterwards. Their 87th minute penalty conversion sealed Forest Green's fate and the dream was over for another year.

I heard on the radio earlier that Barrow was empty as everyone had piled off to the Riverside Stadium. Sad then that they lost 2 1 although I gather it was a spirited fight.

Still, Torquay and Kettering will move on to the fourth round to fly the flags for non-league football.

Don't you just love an underdog?

A Few Things To Worry About

A fresh new year it may be but these are worrying times if you are a West Ham fan. I get the impression that even selling a sprinkling of players is not really going to touch the sides.

Meantime, Harry Pearson warns of the curse of SASS which has already afflicted several managers this season and could well continue to haunt others.

And Carlos Tevez remains concerned about the shape of his future at the ManUre, despite the odd reassurance. For what it's worth I think Tevez is completely amazing. I am at a loss to understand why he has been sidelined for much of this season - Berbatov or no Berbatov.

Finally, Matty Fryatt is in doubt for Saturday's FA Cup tie against Crystal Palace with a bad ankle. Poor lamb!

But then again what is it they say - cheer up it may never happen?

Which may prove to be right of course.

But then again it may not.

In A Nutshell

So its out with the old and in with the new.

Here at the start of the year I wonder what awaits us in the football world over the next 12 months. Liverpool winning the Premiership? Leicester back in the Championship? Leeds in Division 2?

But before we dive forwards into the madness of it all, lets just take a moment to reflect on the trials and tribulations 2008 brought us.

January saw the return of the king. Eduardo's injury brought the 'ouch' factor to February, whilst in March the peasants were revolting. Avram was taking the p**s in April, Glasgow was in Europe for May and we revelled in the diversity Euro 2008 brought in June.

July and August were months for impostors. In September we saw Beauty and the Beast. October showed us the various faces of football. And November proved that its not all plain sailing being a football celebrity. Oh and at the time of year when boys who want Father Christmas to visit good boys, some just could not reach the required standard.

That's it. In a nutshell.

Bring on 2009!